Is This Anything? Page 6

  So that was really the starting gun going off of my comedy life in the eighties.

  I already knew that one good TV talk show set was not going to be nearly enough.

  But I had long ago focused in on this being my only life interest anyway.

  I had other life experiences of course, but they always felt very light and thin compared to my life in comedy.

  It wasn’t for many, many years that I even began to consider that there might be

  other important things in the human experience besides doing stand-up and getting laughs.

  Might be.

  Still thinking about it.

  I’ll let you know.

  Friendly Pilot Chit Chat

  I think I’ve heard just about all the friendly little pilot chit chat

  I need to hear for the rest of my life.

  They always want to tell us how much pleasure it is having us on board.

  The guy flies a plane every day.

  How much pleasure is it?

  “I don’t know who’s back there today but these people are fantastic.”

  And they always want us to,

  “Sit back… relax… enjoy the flight.”

  Yeah. We’re back. We’re sitting.

  This is as back as we can sit.

  We don’t want to relax.

  We want to get there.

  You ever wish you had your own little intercom at the seats so you could talk back to him?

  “Yo, hey, Chuck…

  It’s Jerry. I’m back here in 23C.

  Just want you to know we’re all feeling really ‘good to go’ back here…

  How about you just hit the gas and we bust out?”

  Then for some reason he has to tell us all about what he’s doing…

  “Well, I’m going to take it up to about 20,000.

  Then I’m going to make a left by Pittsburgh.

  I’m going to make a right by Chicago.

  Then, I’m going to bring it down to 15,000.”

  (crackle) “Yeah, Chuck. Jerry again…

  We’re all fine with all that.

  Our feeling is why don’t you just do whatever the hell you have to do?

  Just end up where it says on the ticket, really.

  That’s our only focus, honestly.”

  Do I bother him with what I’m doing?

  Knocking on the cockpit door,

  “I’m having the peanuts now.

  Yeah, that’s what we’re doing back here.

  I thought I would keep YOU posted.

  On what I’M doing.

  I’m not going to have them all now.

  I’m going to have a few.

  I don’t want to finish it because it’s such a BIG BAG.”

  Keys to the Plane

  The other day on a plane I thought,

  “I wonder if there’s keys to the plane?

  Do they need keys to start the plane?”

  Maybe that’s what those delays on the ground are sometimes.

  When you’re just sitting there at the gate.

  Maybe the pilot’s up there in the cockpit going,

  “Oh, I don’t believe this… dammit… I did it again.”

  They tell you it’s something mechanical, because they don’t want to come on the P.A. system,

  “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while.

  I, uh… oh god, this is so embarrassing… I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment.

  They’re in this big blue ashtray by the front door.

  I’m really sorry. I’ll run back and get them.”

  You see the technicians all running around underneath the plane.

  You think they’re servicing it,

  but they’re actually looking for one of those magnet Hide-A-Keys under the wing.

  Stewardess Emergency Equipment Show

  Then the stewardesses have to come out.

  They have to do their little Emergency Equipment Show.

  One of them reads it.

  The other one acts it out.

  (singing)

  “Hey, we have seatbelts… oxygen masks.

  (turns to the side, marching motion)

  And things for you to use…”

  * * *

  They show you how to use a seatbelt.

  In case you haven’t been in a car since 1965.

  “Oh, you lift up on the buckle… oooh!

  I was trying to break the metal apart.

  I thought that’s how it works.

  I was going to try and tear the fabric part of the belt.

  (teeth gnawing on it)

  I thought if I could just get it started…”

  Then they always point out the emergency exits.

  Always with that very vague point though, isn’t it?

  (pointing randomly)

  Where the hell would these places be, would you say?

  The plane’s at a 90-degree angle.

  Your hair is on fire.

  (vague point)

  You’re looking for this.

  You think you’ll be alright?

  She’s thinking,

  (pointing)

  “I’m getting out—before you’re getting out.

  You’re dead, you’re dead, you’re dead.

  I’m gone.”

  They always have to close that first-class curtain, too.

  They always give you that little look.

  “Maybe if you had worked a little harder…

  I wouldn’t have to do this.”

  (swoosh shut)

  Airport Cart People

  I believe the closest thing we have to royalty in America

  are the people that ride in those little carts through the airport.

  They come out of nowhere.

  “Beep, beep. Cart people, look out, cart people!”

  We all scurry out of the way like worthless peasants.

  “Ooh, it’s cart people. I hope we didn’t slow you down.

  Wave to the cart people, Timmy.

  They’re the best people in the world.”

  If you’re too fat, slow, and disoriented to get to your gate on time, you’re not ready for air travel.

  Airplane Bathroom

  When I’m on an airplane I always go in the airplane bathroom.

  Even if I don’t have to go.

  I just like that little room.

  It’s like your own little apartment on the plane, isn’t it?

  You go in, close the door, the light comes on after a second.

  It’s like a little surprise party.

  I like a tiny world.

  Tiny sink, tiny soap, tiny mirror.

  And a little slot for used razor blades.

  Who is shaving on the plane?

  And shaving so much,

  they’re using up razor blades.

  Is the Wolfman flying in there?

  Who else could shave that much?

  “Argh!… click, click (changes blades)… argh!”

  * * *

  I also love the sign,

  “As a courtesy to the next passenger, please wipe off the counter with your towel.”

  Well, let me earn my wings every day.

  Sorry I forgot to bring my toilet-bowl brush with me.

  When did this Brotherhood of Passengers get started?

  “Did they lose your luggage?

  Here, take mine.

  We’re all passengers together.

  By the way, was that bathroom clean enough for you?

  I couldn’t find the Comet or I would’ve had that crapper gleaming.”

  Airport Tuna Sandwich

  Do the stores in the airport have any idea

  what the prices are every place else in the world?

  Or do they just feel they have their own little country out there,

  and they can charge anything they want?

  “You want a tuna sandwich? It’s 28 dollars.

  If yo
u don’t like it, go back to your own country.”

  I think the whole airport/airline complex is a huge scam just to sell the tuna sandwiches.

  I think that profit is what’s supporting the entire air-travel industry.

  The planes could fly empty, they’d still make money.

  The terminals, the airplanes, the parking, the gift shops.

  It’s all just to distract you, so you don’t notice the beating you’re taking on the tuna.

  Airport X-Ray

  I feel safe in airports, too.

  And I think the main reason for that is the high-caliber individuals we have working at the X-ray security counters.

  Here’s a crack squad of savvy, motivated personnel.

  The way you want to set up your airport security is

  you want the short, heavyset woman at the front with the skin-tight uniform.

  That’s your first line of defense.

  You want those pants so tight, the flap in front of the zipper has pulled itself open and you can

  see the metal tangs of the zipper hanging on for dear life.

  Then you put the bag on the conveyor belt.

  Goes through the little luggage car wash.

  Then you have that other genius down at the end looking in the little X-ray TV screen.

  This Einstein has chosen to stand in front of X-rays 14 hours a day as his profession.

  I’ve looked in that TV screen.

  I cannot make out one object.

  He’s standing there,

  “What is that, a hairdryer with a scope on it?

  That looks okay… keep it moving.

  Some sort of bowling ball candle?

  Yeah, I’ve got no problem with that, we don’t want to hold up the line.”

  * * *

  What would they do if they ever came up against a real terrorist?

  Start hitting him with those blue popcorn buckets?

  “Hey, quit hijacking!”

  They’d probably ask him to try going through the detector again without the uzi,

  “This is probably what set it off.”

  Then give it back to him on the other side.

  “No problem, it was probably your gun belt that set it off. Are those metal bullets?

  Yeah. Sorry to hold you up. Was this your bomb? And the bazooka, rocket launcher?”

  “Hey, that guy’s got a ring of keys, somebody grab him.”

  Drugs at Customs

  I went through customs recently.

  The guy asks me,

  “Any plants?”

  “No.”

  “Any alcohol?”

  “No.”

  Then he says,

  “Any drugs?”

  Is he catching people like this?

  “Any drugs?”

  “Bingo, you got me.

  Slap the cuffs on.

  I don’t know how you did it.

  I was not expecting that question.”

  Plane Crash

  I don’t know why people always have the same reaction when they hear about a plane crash.

  “Really? Where?”

  “Plane crash? What airline?”

  As if it makes some difference…

  Like you’re going to go,

  “Oh, that flight.

  Oh, okay.

  That I can understand.”

  Like there are some planes that are expected to crash.

  You go up to the ticket agent,

  “Excuse me, this flight generally goes down quite a bit, doesn’t it?”

  “Actually it does, yes.

  We do have another flight but it tends to explode on takeoff.

  Although, it is a snack flight.”

  Distance by Time

  You can measure distance by time.

  “How far away is that place?”

  “About 20 minutes.”

  But it doesn’t work the other way.

  “When do you get off work?”

  “Around 3 miles.”

  Hotels

  I like hotels because I enjoy tiny soap.

  I like to pretend it’s normal soap and that my muscles are huge.

  The other thing I wonder about in hotels is,

  how do they get the Kleenex to come out of the bathroom walls?

  Do they put those boxes in there when the building is built?

  When they’re all used up,

  do they have to break down the wall,

  put in a new box?

  It’s a lot of work for the flush-fit appearance.

  And by the way, you can always tell when you’re staying in a fine quality, luxury hotel…

  When the television set is welded to a solid steel beam, bolted into the wall.

  Do people come up to the desk?

  (TV set under arm)

  “I’d like to check out…

  very quickly, please.”

  Hotel Fire

  I love the fire map on the door of the hotel room.

  I’m flattered that they think I have it together enough

  to stand in a burning hotel room memorizing directions.

  “… Okay… left by the ice machine… past the elevators…”

  Of course, you get halfway out of the hotel,

  get lost, have to go back to the room,

  check the map again.

  And it always says,

  “Don’t panic.”

  The hotel’s on fire.

  I’ve got 10 minutes to live.

  It’s my option.

  I’ve never panicked my whole life.

  I would like to experience that one time if I’m going out anyway.

  And if they save you, you have a perfect excuse.

  “I heard they found you naked,

  swinging from the shower curtain,

  with the ice bucket on your head. What happened?”

  “I panicked.”

  “That’s completely understandable.”

  Hawaii License Plate

  The other day I saw a car with a Hawaii license plate.

  Then I went,

  “Wait a minute, how did that get here?”

  I went down to the beach, there were tracks coming out of the water.

  Northeast Guy

  Nice day today here.

  Or not.

  Who cares?

  I don’t even know.

  I’m a Northeast guy.

  I like whatever the weather.

  Because that is the weather for the day that it is.

  Here’s your choice:

  You’re dead.

  Or it’s today.

  Those are the options.

  You either don’t exist or, occasional drizzle.

  Take your pick.

  No interest in what it

  Might be

  Could be

  Should be

  Used to be.

  When people mention weather, I cannot pretend to care.

  I cannot keep the conversation going.

  “Can you believe this weather?”

  “Yes, I can.”

  “Do you think it’s going to stay like this?”

  “No—I don’t.”

  Indoors stays the same. Go there.

  People can’t believe the weather, these are the same people who can’t believe the time.

  “Is it 3 o’clock already?

  I can’t believe it’s 3 o’clock.”

  “Well, it is.

  Every day at this time it’s 3 o’clock.”

  Can’t believe the time.

  Can’t believe the temperature.

  Why don’t you hang out in front of the bank sign all day?

  Every time it changes you can go,

  “Incredible. Another shocker.

  Is anybody else seeing this?”

  Cow’s Leather

  I have a leather jacket that got ruined because it got wet.

  Suede jacket.

  I was out in the rain.

  Ruined.

/>   Why?

  Why does water ruin leather?

  Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time?

  When it rains do they go up to the farm house,

  “Hey, let us in, we’re all wearing leather out here!”

  “Is it suede?”

  “Suede?

  I am suede.

  I’ve been living suede every day of my life!”

  Public Speaking

  I saw a study that said,

  the number one fear of the average person is public speaking.

  Number two is death.

  Death is number two!

  How in the world is that?

  That means to most people,

  if you have to go to a funeral,

  you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

  Neil Armstrong’s Toothbrush

  I was at the Air and Space Museum at the Smithsonian Institution.

  They have all kinds of exhibits about the astronauts.

  They show you the food they ate and everything.

  They even had Neil Armstrong’s toothbrush on display.

  In a glass case.

  Underneath it said,

  “On loan from Neil Armstrong.”

  And I’m thinking,

  “Neil—give them the brush.”

  I mean, they flew him to the moon.

  No charge.

  Get—another—brush.

  So they asked him for his toothbrush and he says,

  “… I could lend it to you.”

  Is he coming in at night and using it?

  Bathrobe, slippers, Colgate in his hand.

  “I’m going to need the brush…

  If everyone’s done LOOKING at it…”

  Monkey Astronauts

  Monkeys have contributed a lot to society.

  They were the first astronauts in the ’60s.

  Which I’m sure made perfect sense in the monkey brain.

  “I see, so instead of the little bellhop uniform,

  you want me to get into a rocket and orbit the Earth at supersonic speed.

  Yeah, I think that is the next logical step for me.

  Because, I’ve been working with the Italian guy and the crank organ, and I feel ready to handle the maximum re-entry G-forces.”