Is This Anything? Page 3

  Toothpick legs.

  Bell-bottom shorts.

  I never washed my gym suit either.

  Not once.

  What for?

  Is it going to look better?

  Get compliments from the other guys in my squad?

  “Nice, is that the gray medium? Sharp.”

  I think one killer thing for everybody in gym class was The Rope.

  What was that about?

  It didn’t fit in with the whole rest of the little fitness program, did it?

  Few jumping jacks, little volleyball, and then North Vietnam POW escape training.

  “Come on, get up that rope.”

  “Coach, do I need to practice this? I don’t think I’m ever going to date Rapunzel.”

  Remember that big knot on the bottom of the rope?

  That’s in case you lose your grip at the top, the knot stops you before you hit the ground.

  Six inches between the knot and the floor, that’s your safety zone.

  And if you ever did slide down the rope,

  they could cook marshmallows from the flames coming off your thighs.

  What kind of rope was that?

  It was like from a Spanish pirate ship.

  Some kind of super-heat friction twine?

  Did they do tests?

  “No, we’re not getting enough redness and inflammation from this type of rope.

  We need something with like little spiny things coming out the sides.”

  75% Body Heat

  I was reading this article about how to dress for cold weather.

  And they said that 75% of all body heat is lost through the top of the head.

  Which sounds like you could go skiing naked if you got a good hat.

  Parent Boss

  The best job security is the jobs you do as a kid around the house.

  You cannot lose that job.

  No matter how bad you did.

  I knew my father’s not going to call me in the house,

  “Listen, son, you’re not really cutting the mustard out there on that lawn.

  Now, I know you’ve been our son for 15 years.

  But I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go.

  Don’t feel bad.

  We’re making cutbacks all over the house.

  The dog’s only coming in 3 days a week.

  He missed a couple Frisbees at the picnic.

  We had to trim his hours.”

  Mom’s Walls

  My mother’s very into walls.

  Always looking at walls.

  Thinking about walls.

  Working on walls.

  Always wants my opinion.

  “What do you think about this wall?

  I’m thinking about changing it.

  How about mauve?

  What do you think?”

  “I don’t know, Mom.

  I don’t think about walls.

  To me, if it’s forcing you to use the door to get out of the room, it’s working.”

  Then we’d have to go to the wallpaper store and she’d look through these huge wallpaper books.

  Giant books with huge pages.

  They’re like the Koran.

  Each page is 3 feet.

  It’s a religious experience for her.

  “Whooosh… Yes. I see what they’re saying.”

  I would get so bored I couldn’t pick up my feet.

  “When can we get out of here?”

  That’s what happens when you’re a kid.

  There’s a level of boredom where you cannot support your body weight.

  My parents would take me to the bank and I would just liquefy.

  I’d walk in,

  “Oh, I can’t handle this…”

  The legs just give out.

  They’d turn around from the teller’s window and I would be flat on my back in the middle of the floor.

  Out cold from boredom.

  How many times did your parents have to say to you, “Would you get up off the floor?”

  “I can’t. I’m so bored.”

  They do that scream whisper,

  “I said, GET UP…”

  They would grab your arm to try and pick you up, and you would just twirl around the floor like cooked spaghetti.

  “I can’t get up, Mom.

  I’m so sorry.

  I have no bones anymore from the boredom of this bank.”

  Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.

  Supermarket line, Motor Vehicle Bureau.

  You hang right in there, solid as a rock.

  Skydive at 19

  I went skydiving once.

  I was 19.

  Horrible thing to do to your parents.

  They’ve just spent 19 years trying to protect me from harm, injury, disease.

  I turn around,

  “Mom, Dad, it’s a pretty nice day…

  What do you say we risk the whole ball of wax right now?

  My idea is this,

  I go up in a plane thousands of feet in the air.

  Hurl myself out.

  Attempt to operate the parachute correctly.

  And avoid plummeting to an almost certain death.

  … Can you lend me the 75 bucks?”

  Red Metal Horses

  The only thing they had for kids when I was out with my parents

  was sometimes on the sidewalk they’d have like two red metal horses.

  It wasn’t really a ride.

  It was like a ride fragment that somehow chipped off of a real ride.

  Nobody went “wheee” on these things.

  It would just kind of grind back and forth for 45 seconds.

  It felt like a motor from a grain elevator.

  Like you were milling buckwheat.

  But compared to lying on the floor of the bank it was Space Mountain to me.

  I get off, “Mom, I feel 1,000% better after that.

  I’m refreshed.

  I’m calm.

  I’m ready for the wallpaper store again.

  You want to go back there?

  Guest towels. Throw pillows. Drapery.

  I’m into all of it.”

  Skydiving Helmet

  Skydiving is definitely the scariest thing I’ve done.

  My question,

  what exactly is the point of the helmet?

  Can you “kind of” make it?

  I think if you jump out of a plane,

  and that chute doesn’t open,

  the helmet is now wearing you for protection.

  Later on, the helmet’s talking with the other helmets going,

  “It’s a good thing he was there or I would’ve hit the ground directly.

  You never jump out of a plane unless you have got a human being strapped underneath you.

  That’s basic safety.”

  Scuba Dying

  Learned to scuba dive last year.

  Another great, fun sport where your main activity is to “not-die.”

  (singing)

  “Don’t die… don’t die, don’t die, don’t die…

  There’s a fish, there’s a rock, who cares? Don’t die…

  I don’t want to die. Don’t let me die.

  Let’s swim and breathe and live.

  Because living is good and dying is bad…”

  You die, that’s scuba dying.

  It’s a whole different sport.

  A lot less equipment.

  Just grab a cinder block and jump in.

  I went and got a waterproof wallet.

  In case I run into a sea turtle that can break a fifty, I guess…

  I got a waterproof watch.

  That’s important.

  “Well, I’m completely out of oxygen and look-at-the-time.

  Now, I’m dead AND I’m late.”

  Sister Married

  I have an older sister who’s married.

  It was hard at first but I’ve adjusted to it now.

>   When a brother or a sister tells you they’re getting married it’s a shock,

  because the way you know them,

  you can’t believe anyone would marry them.

  I met the guy,

  I said,

  “Let me get this straight.

  You intentionally want to spend the rest of your life with my sister?

  I have to tell you,

  I’ve done what you want to do.

  It’s a big mistake.

  Have you ever tried to borrow a record album from her?

  Ever shared the back seat on a long car trip?

  You’re going to need an imaginary line.

  NO ONE’S ALLOWED TO CROSS IT.”

  Coming Out to My Parents

  My parents never knew I was funny growing up.

  I don’t know why but I was very embarrassed to show them that side of myself.

  I’ll never forget how incredibly nervous I was bringing them to my show the first time.

  I had my little gay closet moment.

  “Mom, Dad, I don’t know how else to say this, but… I’m funny.

  I’m a funny person.

  I’ve always been funny.

  It’s who I am.

  I don’t want to be ashamed of it anymore.

  I want to lead a funny lifestyle.

  I want to have breakfast at 2 in the afternoon with other funny people.”

  And I was out.

  Father Sofa

  Fathers like when you visit.

  He’s always got some heavy thing he’s been waiting 3 weeks to move.

  “Hey, look who’s here. Give me a hand with this.”

  My father would never move a sofa unless he had a cigarette in his mouth.

  Burned down to about a quarter-inch long.

  With the smoke going right in the eye.

  “You got your end? (cough)

  You got it?

  Your end has got to come around… (cough)

  You got it?”

  Because you want your eyes blinking and tearing

  when you’re walking backwards down a staircase holding a wall unit.

  That’s the easy way to do it.

  That was his other big advice when we’re moving something.

  “Easy… easy.”

  What does that mean?

  “Easy, easy, easy.”

  It’s not easy.

  It’s very difficult.

  You should be saying,

  “DIFFICULT… DIFFICULT… DIFFICULT…

  EXTREMELY DIFFICULT.

  IMPOSSIBLE. IMPOSSIBLE.

  PUT IT DOWN. PUT IT DOWN. PUT IT DOWN.

  IT’S IMPOSSIBLE.”

  At least be honest.

  You want easy?

  Let’s leave it here in the hallway.

  That’s easy.

  Toilet Roll with a Hat

  I come from the kind of family where

  my mother kept an extra roll of toilet paper on the tank of the toilet

  and it had a little knit hat with a pom-pom on it.

  I didn’t know if it was so people wouldn’t know that we had an extra roll of toilet paper

  or because my mother felt even toilet paper is embarrassed to be what it is.

  But the toilet paper had a hat, the dog had a sweater,

  and the couch arms had little fabric toupees.

  I think it might be why recreational drugs never interested me growing up.

  Reality was trippy enough.

  The Parakeet Life

  To me, the ultimate would be to live the Parakeet Lifestyle.

  It’s the most efficient apartment possible.

  A well-ventilated room overlooking the paper.

  Don’t even have to walk to the bathroom.

  Toilet and newspaper are already combined.

  Food and water mounted on the wall.

  You want to go to sleep,

  turn your head around, put it in your back.

  Morning you don’t even have to get up,

  you’re already standing.

  Double-check the cage door lock.

  See what the cat’s up to.

  Take the rest of the day off.

  Cold Cereal

  The most magic words to me as a kid were: FREE INSIDE.

  I guess they said that because it would have been a drag to see,

  TOY INSIDE. WE’LL BILL YOU LATER.

  Didn’t matter what the thing was as long as it was FREE INSIDE.

  Your mother has to pay $1.29, but to you it’s free.

  Because all you have to do is dump the cereal out on the counter

  and you get a little plastic monkey.

  Hangs on the side of the bowl and watches you eat.

  Sometimes it would say, MINIATURE REPLICA.

  Which was also exciting.

  But what is that, really?

  It’s a tiny fake.

  The other thing it would say is, ACTUAL SIZE.

  Which meant it was actually the size that it was.

  I got this from inside my Fruity Pebbles box.

  It’s a Fred Flintstone glitter patch.

  It’s an interesting cross-section of prehistoric and modern times.

  Who’s into the Flintstones and glitter?

  Those recipes on the side were always weird.

  I don’t know why I could never get my mother to make Cornflakes Cantonese.

  I always wanted to have a dinner party and make one of those recipes.

  Invite people.

  Get them all seated.

  Roll out a serving table.

  Then lift up a sterling silver cover on Cocoa Peanut Logs Parmigiana.

  Grape-Nuts

  Grape-Nuts is a mysterious product.

  You open the box,

  pour it in the bowl,

  no grapes,

  no nuts.

  What’s the story?

  Can you call things anything you want now?

  Can you call “milk,” “shoes”?

  You open the carton.

  Pour it on your feet.

  “Hey, these aren’t shoes…

  What the hell is this…?”

  Cereal Serving Suggestion

  On the front of cereal boxes they always have that perfect picture.

  And for some reason it always has to say right next to it, “Serving suggestion.”

  Like,

  “We’re not insisting on a bowl.

  Just a suggestion…

  Put it in your hat if you want…

  Milk?

  Just another idea…

  Putting it out there.

  Throw it up in the air.

  Run under it with your mouth open…

  We don’t care.

  It’s your business.

  We suggest,

  MILK.

  In a bowl.

  With a spoon.

  But, just to be clear…

  we only suggested it.

  Somebody gets hurt, it’s not our fault.”

  Cookie Crisp

  Our parents had no clue there was no food in any of these products.

  Until the Cookie Crisp people came along and blew the lid off the whole racket.

  Just one little step too far…

  Cookie Crisp should have been called,

  “The Hell wth Everything.”

  This is a cereal that…

  it’s not like cookies, it is cookies.

  This is your breakfast, a bowl of chocolate chip cookies.

  Ice cream for lunch, cake for dinner, bacon and cigarettes in between.

  This is the Cookie Crisp Total Health Plan.

  I think it was after a bowl of Cookie Crisp that Nietzsche said,

  “If it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger.”

  Void Where Prohibited

  There’s a lot of scary things on cereal boxes to a kid.

  “Void where prohibited” used to scare me a lot.

  Whenever there was an offer to
send away for something,

  on the back of the box it would always say,

  “Void Where Prohibited.”

  So, how do you know if your house is in a prohibited zone?

  Your father’s got to drive you over the state line so you can play with it.

  Like, a battery-operated plastic frogman.

  He sits in the car waiting for you.

  “Hurry up and play with it. We’ve got to get home.”

  “I’m hurrying.”

  Proof of Purchase

  Proof-of-purchase seal seems like another overly serious terminology for a box of cereal.

  “Proof of Purchase.”

  “Prove it.”

  “Freeze. Whose cereal is this?”

  What happened with just sending in box tops?

  Are they getting too many forgeries down at Kellogg’s?

  “Jim, run these Cocoa Puff lids through the infrared scanner one more time.

  I’ve got a gut feeling about this Tommy Wilson kid.

  If he thinks he’s going to put it past me again like he did with that Civil War set he’s got another thing coming.”

  Enough Jokes

  I guess the big question at this point in the evening is,

  when are you people going to leave?

  I know, it’s a tough thing to decide.

  “One more guy?

  Let’s see if the next one’s any good, then we’ll leave.”

  When you’re in a restaurant,

  you know when you’ve had enough food.

  But when you’re in a nightclub how do you know when you’ve heard enough jokes?

  “Ha, ha.

  You know what? That’s enough for me.

  No really, thank you.

  I’m full.

  Not another routine.

  I’m stuffed.

  I’m serious.

  I could not possibly have one more witty aside or clever remark.

  I’ve really had more than enough.”

  Parents Comedians?

  People do say strange things to you when you come offstage.

  Someone once said to me,

  “Hey, you were really funny.

  Were your parents comedians?”

  “Yes, and all my relatives are comedians.